Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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