Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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