A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
