I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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