Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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