i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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