So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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