You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
