TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
