We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
