At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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