In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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