All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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