Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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