I wish I only lived at night.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
