evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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