And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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