You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
