my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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