just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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