I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
