Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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