Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
