Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
