I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
