i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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