i think i have two assholes
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
