Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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