My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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