I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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