I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
