Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
