So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
