I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
