Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
