Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
