can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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