as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
