Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
