he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
