girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
