Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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