i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
