my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
is it fun? or sober?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
