when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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