You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
