My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
