If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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