Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
