Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
