mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
