Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
