Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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