so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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