Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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