why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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