when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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