Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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