Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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