hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize