I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
