i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
